Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Late Night Angst Filled Musing

I have been so lost the last few years. I have been in a career killing spiral that I no longer see a way out of. That is ridiculously sad considering I am 27, hold a degree from a major university, have studied at four separate institutes of higher learning at various levels of scholarship, and have an IQ that is too high for my own good.

So why am I unemployed, have been for a year in two days, and all that I can offer to my family is that I can breed and work at a tax service for $10/ hour if the woman I'm supposed to assist can get organized enough to get me started?

It is simple. I am a failure at life in general. I have no idea how to succeed at anything. I am an overly emotional mess that can't seem to tap into my extensive intellectual capabilities except through some sort of strong emotional connection. It is pathetic, and very, very frustrating for my overly analytical husband.

I used to blame my husband for "ruining" my career, but I know that I did that all by myself. I didn't do the research into CPA requirements in PA until after we set our wedding date. To be perfectly honest, that wasn't my first mistake. My first mistake was turning away from the path that I had been on since I was in third grade. That path that I was placed on when my random, ill-fitting, and grating personality traits forced my parents and teachers to the conclusion that I belonged in the world of the theatre.

Where else could my inability to not be the only focus in the room be an asset? I was never able to be ignored. It didn't matter if I was reading in a corner with my back to the room. Something about my ability to completely absorb myself in a task is exceptional visually compelling, not to mention frightening. It is almost as if I lack the ability to come up for air from whatever I am experiencing, and yet I don't drown.

Some of my friends sweetly lie to me that my magnetism is a positive; that I am charming or funny or approachable. I don't know how they miss the vulgar, intimidating, shameless way I breathe. Every once in a while, one of those friends will see me through the lens of a stranger, and they run away from the truth of my personality. I am an aberration; I have no filters. I have never truly communicated with another human being. It isn't possible for me. Most people learn words, body language, even thought processes from other members of society in order to exchange information. It is imprinted during childhood. I accidentally ignored those lessons by existing only in my own reality, and I've never been able to catch up. Instead I try to make myself understood, and without fail unknowingly manage to become the worst version of myself possible in their eyes.

I don't want to be like this. I have fought my nature ever since I realized that I was different. I try to study other people in order to learn how to highlight my possible contributions to society; I usually just end up mimicking whomever I am trying to learn from. I've come to the conclusion that it is too late for me to understand another way of looking at the world. I am not a computer that can have a different operating system installed. As much as I would like to say that I am in some way freed from perpetually beating my head against that psychological wall and that I am comfortable in my own skin, all I can truthfully say is that I hope I've learned to stop consciously trying to conform.

It is just so hard. Why? The word lonely encompasses a minute sliver of the distance I feel from other human beings.

I wish I was...something more human.