Sunday, November 21, 2010

Let's try this again...

I'm onto a new cycle as of Friday, and I am feeling numb about things at the moment. This week I fell for two evaporation lines on HPTs, and I ended a friendship with someone that I considered myself close to for many years. Emotionally, it was not the best week I've ever had.

With the holidays starting next week, I am looking forward to being very, very busy. I have a lot of cooking, cleaning, card making, decorating, and coffee drinking to do, and that is just tomorrow... Seriously though, I am grateful that I will be too busy to obsess over my chart this month. Hopefully that will help me to gain some perspective on this whole TTCAL thing, and have a better attitude going forward.

I'm going to work as hard as possible this week to focus on all of the positive parts of my life. That will be so much easier than normal, since my family is coming to stay for the week of Thanksgiving. I honestly wish that they were already here, but Tuesday will be here before I know it.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Climbing out

I have come to a realization over the last few days, and unfortunately it culminated in a huge fight with my husband.

I am not going to get over Bryce's death anytime soon, and I need to stop acting like I will.

While this may seem like an obvious fact to everyone else, I was taken aback by this thought. I very rarely dwell in the different stages of grief; I move to acceptance very quickly. Honestly, I thought that this would be just like the many other disappointments in my life, and that I would move forward within an appropriate time frame. What an idiotic thought process that is.

I hurt in a physical way when I think about Bryce. I miss him so much. For the time being, I have nothing positive to contribute to society. I can barely stand my own company, let alone someone else's. The thought of meeting new people and creating new relationships is almost abhorrent to me. All of this makes looking for a job in an industry I despise all the more overwhelming.

I have an accounting degree, but I can't not stand menial accounting work. Things would be different if I hadn't followed my husband to the middle of nowhere, but I did and I don't want to "take that back". I have known what I wanted to do from a very young age, and the path to that goal has become clear after much trial and error. I was going to go back to grad school after we were done having children, and between then and now I was going to be a SAHM. Now, that feels like it will never happen. My life plan is in shambles. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really want to. I want to got back in time to the place where I was a mother to a little boy who would be here in a few months.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Starting to hit the rocks at the bottom

My body tried to ovulate this past week, but didn't make it. I feel like I have been kicked in the face after being punched in the kidneys. I know that sounds overdramatic, but I already feel like my body has completely failed me between the Crohn's and Bryce's death. With this fake ovulation I feel utterly broken.

I don't really know what to do. I can't will myself to ovulate, or to not have Crohn's. If my wishes could come true I would be entering my third trimester right now. Instead I am barely able to get out of my pajamas. It is incredibly depressing to hate things about yourself that you can't change. There is no real purpose to the hate; nothing that you can be motivated to change.

I feel like I am so close to my breaking point that I am in danger of having a mental breakdown. I don't feel any better about losing Bryce than I did the day that he died, and I know I never will. I need my son back, and I can't have him. I have been trying with every fiber of my being to live a life that he would be proud of, but I am losing internal clarity on how to do that.

I am just going to hope that this is part of the grieving process, and that one day I will be the mother that Bryce deserves. Until then, all I can do is try.

I love you Bryce, and your Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.