Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Climbing out

I have come to a realization over the last few days, and unfortunately it culminated in a huge fight with my husband.

I am not going to get over Bryce's death anytime soon, and I need to stop acting like I will.

While this may seem like an obvious fact to everyone else, I was taken aback by this thought. I very rarely dwell in the different stages of grief; I move to acceptance very quickly. Honestly, I thought that this would be just like the many other disappointments in my life, and that I would move forward within an appropriate time frame. What an idiotic thought process that is.

I hurt in a physical way when I think about Bryce. I miss him so much. For the time being, I have nothing positive to contribute to society. I can barely stand my own company, let alone someone else's. The thought of meeting new people and creating new relationships is almost abhorrent to me. All of this makes looking for a job in an industry I despise all the more overwhelming.

I have an accounting degree, but I can't not stand menial accounting work. Things would be different if I hadn't followed my husband to the middle of nowhere, but I did and I don't want to "take that back". I have known what I wanted to do from a very young age, and the path to that goal has become clear after much trial and error. I was going to go back to grad school after we were done having children, and between then and now I was going to be a SAHM. Now, that feels like it will never happen. My life plan is in shambles. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really want to. I want to got back in time to the place where I was a mother to a little boy who would be here in a few months.

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