Monday, November 8, 2010

Starting to hit the rocks at the bottom

My body tried to ovulate this past week, but didn't make it. I feel like I have been kicked in the face after being punched in the kidneys. I know that sounds overdramatic, but I already feel like my body has completely failed me between the Crohn's and Bryce's death. With this fake ovulation I feel utterly broken.

I don't really know what to do. I can't will myself to ovulate, or to not have Crohn's. If my wishes could come true I would be entering my third trimester right now. Instead I am barely able to get out of my pajamas. It is incredibly depressing to hate things about yourself that you can't change. There is no real purpose to the hate; nothing that you can be motivated to change.

I feel like I am so close to my breaking point that I am in danger of having a mental breakdown. I don't feel any better about losing Bryce than I did the day that he died, and I know I never will. I need my son back, and I can't have him. I have been trying with every fiber of my being to live a life that he would be proud of, but I am losing internal clarity on how to do that.

I am just going to hope that this is part of the grieving process, and that one day I will be the mother that Bryce deserves. Until then, all I can do is try.

I love you Bryce, and your Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.

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