After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family Hanukah has arrived, and I am not prepared. I got my dates mixed up and didn't get my handmade (and crappy) cards out, and I didn't plan a thing to celebrate. I had to run out yesterday afternoon to get candles for the menorah. I honestly fell apart when I realized how out of it I am. After evaluating my emotional reaction to that and many other little triggers, I decided to make an appointment with a councilor. I went this morning.
I feel like I am getting onto the right path in order to heal in a healthy way. I don't know how to get over something like this, and with the rest of my life in shambles I am not adequately prepared to handle something so devastating. I'm not enthusiastic about the plan for me to take an antidepressant for a few months. I feel like it is a necessary evil, but an evil none the less. I wish that I wasn't so weak; I don't have a chemical imbalance in which I need to correct. I simply want to give up because I am feeling sorry for myself.
For today, I have two goals. The first is to decorate my living room for the holidays tonight. The second is to try to convince myself that I am doing the best thing for Bryce by getting help. At the end of the day, when it comes to mental health, the end justifies the means. Even though Bryce isn't in my arms, I still need to be the best mother I can for him. Lately I have been failing at that, just as I've failed at everything else I've tried for the past few years. The difference here is that I can always do better tomorrow; my failures as his mother don't stack up.
On a funny note, Duke got a Snuggie for Hanukah, and he actually loves it. It is ridiculous and amazing at the same time.