Raquel turned one last week, and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.  How did my little, tiny doll baby get to be so big?

She is so close to walking right now, and has weaned herself of all but our first morning nursing session.  She has said a few words, Duke being the first one, and has called for both her Momma and Dadadadadadadada.  She has stolen a necklace of mine (it was designed to be a toy!) and wears it around for hours.  I swear we are watching her like hawks while she does this.  She love to laugh, she tries to sing when music is played, and Smooth Criminal can still calm down even the most epic of tantrums.

She is perfect, and in those moments when we roll around together on the floor, my cheek pressed to hers, smelling her sweet smell, and doing my best to make her giggle as loudly as she can, life is perfect.

Sigh.

This entire summer has been a series of projects for me, and rarely has one gotten finished.  I know that I was expecting a lot from myself with all of the travel we had planned (I was gone almost the entire month of June!), but I haven't been able to stay on task.  I feel like I am getting through the days instead of making the most of them, and I don't know how to change that mindset.

Being a homemaker is much harder than I thought it would be, basically because I can't prioritize worth shit.  Certain things get done all the time, others with a nod to regularity, and many things just don't get done or cost a fuck ton of money.  There is only so much money you can save by making your own bread.

I know that I shouldn't ignore R to get craft projects/chores/workouts/cooking/party planning done around the house, but everything in my life seems to get done at the last minute.  Stressful, panicked planning is not something I recommend to anyone.  So I'm going to work on managing my expectations, and continue to try to be as efficient as possible.

I think I'm just going to have to go to bed earlier.  Boo hiss.

So, we finally moved into our apartment, and it has been one heck of a transition.  We are still living amid boxes of stuff, and we have replaced most of our living room furniture with smaller version thanks to IKEA.

 R seems to love her new room.  She has so much more room to play, and her furniture actually fits in the nursery now.

We have accumulated so much freaking stuff over the last 7 years.  Organizing it all, at least the stuff we are keeping, is proving to be a more difficult challenge than I anticipated.  We have some friends coming Memorial Day weekend, and I'm hoping that we at least have everything put away by then.  My goal for this summer is to decorate, so I still feel like we are on track.

R has been growing mentally and physically by leaps and bounds!  She is pulling herself up CONSTANTLY, whether she is using her crib, the wall, or various parental limbs.  She is also actually crawling, and has enjoyed getting into anything she is allowed to.  

Duke is her favorite thing in the world, and she likes to babble an early version of his name to him.  He is indifferent to her charms unless she has Puffs stuck to her leg.

Mamma Mia!

Do you ever have one of those "d'oh" moments where you think your subconscious is manipulating you? I had one last week, and I'm wishing my mind would pull one over on my more often!

About three weeks ago, my skin started breaking out like crazy. Ever since I went off hormonal birth control a few years ago, my skin responds to the tiniest change in anything. As 30 gets closer and closer (next year...eek!), I keep waiting for that moment of time after acne and before wrinkles. I think I missed it somewhere.

Since I have a unhealthy addiction to beauty products, I'm amazed that I managed to wait to buy a Clarisonic for so long. When my skin exploded, with acne earlier in the month, I finally gave in to the hype. (The VIB coupon didn't hurt.) I got the Mia because I don't really want to deal/pay with/for the big kahuna...and it came in purple! Then last week, my body let me know where all that acne stemmed from with a dramatic return to fertility. Oh.the.joy. My skin immediately began to clear up, but I decided to use my new toy anyway.

via Sephora

Oh my gosh! My skin looks and feels amazing! After a week! I had no idea how much dead skin (gross) was on my face. My husband keeps trying to get his hands on my cheeks, which is sweet and creepy at the same time. My moisturizer actually gets into my skin instead of sitting on top of it, the flakes that I couldn't get rid of on my nose are gone, and I've had no new breakouts.

I feel like a fool for spending so much money on expensive products that I didn't really use. This thing is fantastic, and I'm pretty sure I'll be using it for a good, long while!

My appointment with the GE went well... sort of. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for the beginning of May, and I need to get a CT of my abdomen as well. He wanted to put me on steroids immediately, but I didn't think that was the best plan since R does not seem to be a big fan of formula. I was leaning towards letting her wean naturally, and now that I was told to get her off the boob asap I seem to be subconsciously digging in my heels about the whole thing. I don't want to breastfeed her until she goes to college, but I was thinking we would wean between 12 and 15 months. She is still so tiny (only 15 ish lbs), and she is taking to this whole "solid" food thing quite slowly. Honestly, all she wants to eat are pears, berries, and puffs, and we think she thinks the puffs are a game. Half of them end up down the gullet of a certain opportunistic Westie.

I feel like this is another part of my life that has been marred by my broken body, and I'm trying to learn what I can from this experience. Knowing that nursing her is coming to an end makes the moments we have left so poignant. My independent little lady only really wants to snuggle with her Daddy, and I am REALLY going to miss our special time. I feel like the lesson that I need to take to heart is that I need to focus on my health, so that special times don't fly by in such a haze. I will always be sick, I will always struggle, and for my own sanity I need to be able to live my life in the moment. Lately it seems like the only times I stop and take a breath are during moments of pain (especially dental work!).

So I am going to snuggle with R instead of playing on my phone while she nurses, I'm going to meal plan for her like a crazy person to find more foods that she loves (or even likes), and I am going to do what I need to in order to get as healthy as possible. My body has belonged to her and her brother since May of 2010, and now I just need to focus on the process of her owning only my arms and heart.

Flare

Tomorrow I am meeting with a gasteroenterologist for the first time in a few years, and I am overwhelmingly nervous. I've been in the middle of a pretty bad flare for about two and a half months, and it is really kicking my ass. I'm exhausted all of the time, and I'm really worried about how this is effecting R. I don't think that I would do anything different daily, except for take her for walks. I don't know if I'm justifying my lack of stroller time, but I don't think it is the worst thing in the world. In the stroller she wouldn't really be able to move, she no longer naps when we are toodling around, and I love that she plays in so many different ways.

So it looks like tomorrow I get to talk about diets, invasive tests, and potential surgeries. I don't really have a lot of hope, but B still does. I really wish he could come with me tomorrow, but I doubt that he will. That is the "fun" of big cities. There may be much more to take advantage of, but it takes a while to get to all of the different places!

On the moving front, we have packed up a ridiculous amount of stuff to go to Goodwill. We have dropped off three carloads so far, and we still have quite a bit to go. I get so excited when each box leaves our possession. Being sentimental has created way to many random piles, bins, and drawers in our house, and I'm so glad that they won't follow us to our new home. Now if I could convince my husband to actually put R's clothes in her hamper...

After staring at our future floor plan over and over, I have come to the realization that our command central will have to be in binder form. So the plan now is to try to complete it by the move, but I'm constantly having issues trying to basically put my brain in a binder. If I don't do it right, I wont use it...which defeats the purpose of the work.

So I'm trolling the interwebs looking for inspiration.

I know I want my system to be pretty since it will live on my kitchen countertop....

via

I need to be able to handwrite things in it, because I will need to update it constantly and will probably use it for brainstorming...

via

And I need it to be useful. I want B to be able to open it and run our home without an issue if I'm in the hospital. I also would love a schedule of recurring To Dos to keep me on my toes.

via

I guess I have a lot of work in front of me. I have a feeling that I won't be completely finished by the time we move, but I really, really want to have a great system in place the day we move in. Wish me luck!