Let's try this again...

I'm onto a new cycle as of Friday, and I am feeling numb about things at the moment. This week I fell for two evaporation lines on HPTs, and I ended a friendship with someone that I considered myself close to for many years. Emotionally, it was not the best week I've ever had.

With the holidays starting next week, I am looking forward to being very, very busy. I have a lot of cooking, cleaning, card making, decorating, and coffee drinking to do, and that is just tomorrow... Seriously though, I am grateful that I will be too busy to obsess over my chart this month. Hopefully that will help me to gain some perspective on this whole TTCAL thing, and have a better attitude going forward.

I'm going to work as hard as possible this week to focus on all of the positive parts of my life. That will be so much easier than normal, since my family is coming to stay for the week of Thanksgiving. I honestly wish that they were already here, but Tuesday will be here before I know it.

Starting to hit the rocks at the bottom

My body tried to ovulate this past week, but didn't make it. I feel like I have been kicked in the face after being punched in the kidneys. I know that sounds overdramatic, but I already feel like my body has completely failed me between the Crohn's and Bryce's death. With this fake ovulation I feel utterly broken.

I don't really know what to do. I can't will myself to ovulate, or to not have Crohn's. If my wishes could come true I would be entering my third trimester right now. Instead I am barely able to get out of my pajamas. It is incredibly depressing to hate things about yourself that you can't change. There is no real purpose to the hate; nothing that you can be motivated to change.

I feel like I am so close to my breaking point that I am in danger of having a mental breakdown. I don't feel any better about losing Bryce than I did the day that he died, and I know I never will. I need my son back, and I can't have him. I have been trying with every fiber of my being to live a life that he would be proud of, but I am losing internal clarity on how to do that.

I am just going to hope that this is part of the grieving process, and that one day I will be the mother that Bryce deserves. Until then, all I can do is try.

I love you Bryce, and your Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.

Holy EWCM Batman!

As most of my friends and fellow Bumpies know, I practice the Fertility Awareness Method of charting my fertility signs. I charted for three months before getting my BFP with Bryce, and I considered myself decent at recognizing signs of ovulation. I was fooling myself. I am completely confused this cycle. I went from bleeding to fertile quality CM, and when I just peed on an OPK and there was a definite line. Granted, it was a digital, which came up negative, but when I looked at the actual test there was a line.

I don't know if this is good for me right now. Will BFNs feel like I'm losing something when I get them? Am I actually prepared to TTC again, which includes all of the worry, speculation, and disappointment? I'm really not sure. I don't know if I will ever really be. We are going to try this cycle, so I guess it is already FWP week. I'm going to try just to make it about my husband and I celebrating each other. Truthfully, that is all I have control over when it comes to TTCing!

Lunch with a Friend

This afternoon I am heading out to the Old Market for lunch with a very good friend of mine. She was instrumental in helping me get through all of the scary parts of my pregnancy, and she has been very supportive since Bryce's death. I've found it difficult to get out of the house without Brian, so I think that this lunch is exactly what I need.

I am also looking forward to getting her perspective on what to do regarding TTCing again. Our doctor told us that physically we are able to try after one cycle, which ended last weekend, but that he recommended that we wait three months to emotionally heal. My issue with following this advice concerning my emotional health is that I am a very timid person naturally. I have to force myself to do things which scare me, and I can't tell you how many things scare me. I know that it seems ridiculous, especially with my history on stage, but I am terrified of anything that brings on physical and emotional pain. The way that I get through those fears is to simply jump, as I have learned that the anticipation is half of the misery.

If we wait the three months, then we will start to TTC too close to Bryce's estimated due date for my emotional comfort. I will want to put it off longer as to avoid that milestone, and I'm afraid that I will not want to try again. On the other hand, I am terrified that I am fooling myself into believing that I can emotionally handle another pregnancy loss this soon. Yet, I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle another one. I'm not really "handling" this one. I am just living. I no longer have the same trust in fate/the universe that everything will be fine. I know that it is possible that I will be miserable for the rest of my life, that I will always be in physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of my dreams coming true, and I want to make the right choice in doing what I can to make them a reality.

Hopefully my friend will have some insight. My husband and I are too close to the subject, and having an outside empathetic outlook can only help.