Raquel turned one last week, and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.  How did my little, tiny doll baby get to be so big?

She is so close to walking right now, and has weaned herself of all but our first morning nursing session.  She has said a few words, Duke being the first one, and has called for both her Momma and Dadadadadadadada.  She has stolen a necklace of mine (it was designed to be a toy!) and wears it around for hours.  I swear we are watching her like hawks while she does this.  She love to laugh, she tries to sing when music is played, and Smooth Criminal can still calm down even the most epic of tantrums.

She is perfect, and in those moments when we roll around together on the floor, my cheek pressed to hers, smelling her sweet smell, and doing my best to make her giggle as loudly as she can, life is perfect.

My appointment with the GE went well... sort of. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for the beginning of May, and I need to get a CT of my abdomen as well. He wanted to put me on steroids immediately, but I didn't think that was the best plan since R does not seem to be a big fan of formula. I was leaning towards letting her wean naturally, and now that I was told to get her off the boob asap I seem to be subconsciously digging in my heels about the whole thing. I don't want to breastfeed her until she goes to college, but I was thinking we would wean between 12 and 15 months. She is still so tiny (only 15 ish lbs), and she is taking to this whole "solid" food thing quite slowly. Honestly, all she wants to eat are pears, berries, and puffs, and we think she thinks the puffs are a game. Half of them end up down the gullet of a certain opportunistic Westie.

I feel like this is another part of my life that has been marred by my broken body, and I'm trying to learn what I can from this experience. Knowing that nursing her is coming to an end makes the moments we have left so poignant. My independent little lady only really wants to snuggle with her Daddy, and I am REALLY going to miss our special time. I feel like the lesson that I need to take to heart is that I need to focus on my health, so that special times don't fly by in such a haze. I will always be sick, I will always struggle, and for my own sanity I need to be able to live my life in the moment. Lately it seems like the only times I stop and take a breath are during moments of pain (especially dental work!).

So I am going to snuggle with R instead of playing on my phone while she nurses, I'm going to meal plan for her like a crazy person to find more foods that she loves (or even likes), and I am going to do what I need to in order to get as healthy as possible. My body has belonged to her and her brother since May of 2010, and now I just need to focus on the process of her owning only my arms and heart.

A rose by any other name...

Raquel received her Hebrew name last Friday, and we could not be more pleased with how it went. Even though it was past her bedtime, she was excitedly basking in the attention. After the service, we came home for a party dedicated to the occasion. Of course, the guest of honor was asleep as soon as we got home, but we had a wonderful time celebrating her. I had a lot of fun decorating and baking for our little shindig. One of the best parts of being a parent is getting to make days like this special!

Our table-scape! For some reason I'm obsessed with polka dots at the moment.

The proud Grandmommy!

This is a better view of the decorations.

My brother and his fiance put up what I made/ ordered in a frenzy off the internet.

Paper lanterns can be used all the time...right?

I'm so happy with this cake. It isn't bad looking for homemade.

It was white cake with raspberry filling and salted buttercream icing...so delicious!

I'm now obsessed with food coloring, so I hope B doesn't mind brightly colored cupcakes from now on.

B made fresh homemade popcorn for everyone.

I will never be able to top that gift; he uses that popcorn popper nightly!

The following is a link to the service. The naming starts at 11 minutes in.

http://www.templerodefshalom.org/live/archive2.htm

And the Summer blooms...

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Raquel Rosalind V. was born on July 24, 2011 at 12.48 pm. She was 8 pounds 1 oz, and 21 inches long. The last month has been the most rewarding and exhausting of my life. She is growing so fast, and has such a strong personality already.

So our little family is filled with July babies...my birthday, then Raquel's, B's and Duke! It will be a busy month for us, with our wedding anniversary in the mix as well. Summer is going to be a very special time in our house.
Honestly, I feel like every day is a special day now. I am overwhelmed with how much I love this little person. She is starting to smile with regularity, and at times the only thing that can console her is being cuddled up in my arms. Late at night, I (with varying levels of success) sing Disney songs to put her to sleep , and she snuggles into my chest. She makes the most adorable noises, and I've started to call her my little bird.

Duke is not a fan yet, but she is growing on him. Once I'm feeling a bit less cut o

pen in the middle (oh, C-sections), we will go on regular walks with the two of them. I'm sure that will help his opinion of her. Once she starts solids, they will be best friends. Until then, I just try to cuddle with him when I am not attached to the baby. My life is one big cuddle-fest. B has even jumped on that train, and hugs me CONSTANTLY. It must be nice for your wife to lose 30 pounds of gut in a week and a half. He is especially loving all of the extra room in our bed. I was such a whale.
Tomorrow we are doing a "photo shoot" for Raquel's 1st month. I'll post the pictures soon, but until then, here is one to tide you over!

Childbirth classes and a tour of L&D

Yesterday B and I went to our new (sob) hospital for, as you probably guessed from the title of this post, a day of childbirth classes and a tour of Labor & Delivery. I will give Omaha this, Methodist Women's Center is the nicest hospital I've ever been in, and as most of you know, I've been in a few. Our new hospital is just not up to snuff.

When you go into labor (or at least think you are), you go to L&D and you are set up in a triage room where they check to see if you are in active labor. If you are, then you need to get up and scoot your tush to an actual delivery room where you will give birth (if having a vaginal delivery). Once you've popped the kid out, you get stitched up (since most doctors perform episiotomies...um, fuck no), the baby gets cleaned up a bit and weighed, and then you get sent to the closet. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant the Mom and Baby area, where there is not enough room in the actual room for the father of the child and the shower is too small to turn around in. To add insult to my already injured psyche, the food is also so ad that our instructor told us that the L&D nursers will be ready with take-out menus for when you get hungry. We did try the food, and suffice to say we will not be partaking in it again if it can be helped.

We also learned during our class that about 35% of women who walk in the doors to this hospital will receive a C-section, that they use forceps, and that it is usual for nurses to withhold information about how dilated you are, which in turn has more women asking for epidurals earlier than they planned. Due to this issue, pitocin is used in about 75% of all births in this hospital. Why all of this crap is happening in one of the best rated hospitals in the suburbs of the capital of the free world, I have no fucking clue.

I am PRAYING that our instructor just didn't realize how invasive she was making everything out to be. I was under the impression that my OB was not so....old school, and that he trusted in the natural process a bit more. I will be bring up my concerns at our next appointment, and B has a birth plan drilled into his head about what I want to fight with the L&D team about. All I want is a healthy baby, but that doesn't mean I am willing to let people do things for convenience or because it is their personal routine procedure. This is still my body, as broken down and worn out as it is.

I miss Dr. Carlson at Methodist, and the wonderful nurses in the high risk L&D area, the beautiful hospital itself, and the delicious and stomach pleasing food from the cafeteria. I almost wish I had never been there, because now nothing else can compare. Over the next few weeks I am going to do everything in my power to convince myself that the hospital doesn't matter. Getting her out safely, getting her out in a way that does minimal damage to my body, and getting her home safely are the only things that are important. Everything else is just a moment in time to get through. It will pass. She is worth it, and much, much more.

Something I can't wait for

August 3, 2011

That is the day that Raquel is expected to make her arrival, and I am overwhelmed with excitement and fear. I can't wait to see B's face when he sees her for the first time, or when she smiles just for him. I can't wait to hand her to my parents and watch my father cry in happiness while my mother makes funny faces at her. I can't wait for my brother to see his niece, and hopefully understand why we have been so obsessed with this whole baby thing. I can't wait for my in-laws to see B in our daughter.

I wanted all of this with Bryce, and it breaks my heart that all I got were a few precious moments with his body. If G-d would grant me one thing, it would be that there is a place where I can see him again. I guess that is why we don't know what happens after death, so that we can wait to see it, and have other experiences while we wait.

The thing I am most afraid of

I am terrified of having another loss. I've barely survived Bryce's death, and that was only because of the amazing support system that I have between my husband and parents. My friends were wonderful, but there is something about crushing grief that sends me into my own private world of pain.

I love Bryce so much, and I will never get over the fact that he didn't live the life that B and I wanted for him. As happy as I am that Raquel is on the way, she is not a replacement for him. She is her own separate person that we are looking forward to meeting. I don't know what I would do if we lost her as well, and that is perhaps the most frightening thing of all.

Let's try this again...

I'm onto a new cycle as of Friday, and I am feeling numb about things at the moment. This week I fell for two evaporation lines on HPTs, and I ended a friendship with someone that I considered myself close to for many years. Emotionally, it was not the best week I've ever had.

With the holidays starting next week, I am looking forward to being very, very busy. I have a lot of cooking, cleaning, card making, decorating, and coffee drinking to do, and that is just tomorrow... Seriously though, I am grateful that I will be too busy to obsess over my chart this month. Hopefully that will help me to gain some perspective on this whole TTCAL thing, and have a better attitude going forward.

I'm going to work as hard as possible this week to focus on all of the positive parts of my life. That will be so much easier than normal, since my family is coming to stay for the week of Thanksgiving. I honestly wish that they were already here, but Tuesday will be here before I know it.