Bryce's Birthday

One year ago today we went into the doctor's office to check on a little bit of bleeding, and for an early anatomy scan. That night our stillborn son was delivered.

Now we have a beautiful little girl who is starting to smile hourly and is having conversations with us in baby talk. She is everything to us.

It isn't enough. There is still a hole in my heart, and I'm learning that there always will be. There is nothing that will ever replace our son. Raquel is a unique miracle.

Bryce, there is a quote from a book my mother used to read to me that runs through my mind at least once a day. I never really understood it until you were gone. The book was written as a memorial to the author's stillborn daughters.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Robert Munsch

It is a cloudy fall day in Omaha today. I wish we could visit you. I hope your bunny and copy of Peter Pan are still there, and that you are happy in Neverneverland. Our little bolt of lightening, you are missed more that words can convey.

Bryce Addison

I miss Bryce every day. Sometimes it is in a small way...a lady bug lands on a windowsill, or a little blonde boy smiles at me in an office waiting room. Other times I am completely overwhelmed with grief. I am learning to live with it, and it gets easier to handle every day. The pain doesn't go away; it is still as fresh and cutting as ever. I am just learning how to live with it. To actually live, which is exactly what I need to do to honor my son.

Something I can't wait for

August 3, 2011

That is the day that Raquel is expected to make her arrival, and I am overwhelmed with excitement and fear. I can't wait to see B's face when he sees her for the first time, or when she smiles just for him. I can't wait to hand her to my parents and watch my father cry in happiness while my mother makes funny faces at her. I can't wait for my brother to see his niece, and hopefully understand why we have been so obsessed with this whole baby thing. I can't wait for my in-laws to see B in our daughter.

I wanted all of this with Bryce, and it breaks my heart that all I got were a few precious moments with his body. If G-d would grant me one thing, it would be that there is a place where I can see him again. I guess that is why we don't know what happens after death, so that we can wait to see it, and have other experiences while we wait.

The thing I am most afraid of

I am terrified of having another loss. I've barely survived Bryce's death, and that was only because of the amazing support system that I have between my husband and parents. My friends were wonderful, but there is something about crushing grief that sends me into my own private world of pain.

I love Bryce so much, and I will never get over the fact that he didn't live the life that B and I wanted for him. As happy as I am that Raquel is on the way, she is not a replacement for him. She is her own separate person that we are looking forward to meeting. I don't know what I would do if we lost her as well, and that is perhaps the most frightening thing of all.

Climbing out

I have come to a realization over the last few days, and unfortunately it culminated in a huge fight with my husband.

I am not going to get over Bryce's death anytime soon, and I need to stop acting like I will.

While this may seem like an obvious fact to everyone else, I was taken aback by this thought. I very rarely dwell in the different stages of grief; I move to acceptance very quickly. Honestly, I thought that this would be just like the many other disappointments in my life, and that I would move forward within an appropriate time frame. What an idiotic thought process that is.

I hurt in a physical way when I think about Bryce. I miss him so much. For the time being, I have nothing positive to contribute to society. I can barely stand my own company, let alone someone else's. The thought of meeting new people and creating new relationships is almost abhorrent to me. All of this makes looking for a job in an industry I despise all the more overwhelming.

I have an accounting degree, but I can't not stand menial accounting work. Things would be different if I hadn't followed my husband to the middle of nowhere, but I did and I don't want to "take that back". I have known what I wanted to do from a very young age, and the path to that goal has become clear after much trial and error. I was going to go back to grad school after we were done having children, and between then and now I was going to be a SAHM. Now, that feels like it will never happen. My life plan is in shambles. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really want to. I want to got back in time to the place where I was a mother to a little boy who would be here in a few months.