Raquel turned one last week, and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.  How did my little, tiny doll baby get to be so big?

She is so close to walking right now, and has weaned herself of all but our first morning nursing session.  She has said a few words, Duke being the first one, and has called for both her Momma and Dadadadadadadada.  She has stolen a necklace of mine (it was designed to be a toy!) and wears it around for hours.  I swear we are watching her like hawks while she does this.  She love to laugh, she tries to sing when music is played, and Smooth Criminal can still calm down even the most epic of tantrums.

She is perfect, and in those moments when we roll around together on the floor, my cheek pressed to hers, smelling her sweet smell, and doing my best to make her giggle as loudly as she can, life is perfect.

Sigh.

This entire summer has been a series of projects for me, and rarely has one gotten finished.  I know that I was expecting a lot from myself with all of the travel we had planned (I was gone almost the entire month of June!), but I haven't been able to stay on task.  I feel like I am getting through the days instead of making the most of them, and I don't know how to change that mindset.

Being a homemaker is much harder than I thought it would be, basically because I can't prioritize worth shit.  Certain things get done all the time, others with a nod to regularity, and many things just don't get done or cost a fuck ton of money.  There is only so much money you can save by making your own bread.

I know that I shouldn't ignore R to get craft projects/chores/workouts/cooking/party planning done around the house, but everything in my life seems to get done at the last minute.  Stressful, panicked planning is not something I recommend to anyone.  So I'm going to work on managing my expectations, and continue to try to be as efficient as possible.

I think I'm just going to have to go to bed earlier.  Boo hiss.

So, we finally moved into our apartment, and it has been one heck of a transition.  We are still living amid boxes of stuff, and we have replaced most of our living room furniture with smaller version thanks to IKEA.

 R seems to love her new room.  She has so much more room to play, and her furniture actually fits in the nursery now.

We have accumulated so much freaking stuff over the last 7 years.  Organizing it all, at least the stuff we are keeping, is proving to be a more difficult challenge than I anticipated.  We have some friends coming Memorial Day weekend, and I'm hoping that we at least have everything put away by then.  My goal for this summer is to decorate, so I still feel like we are on track.

R has been growing mentally and physically by leaps and bounds!  She is pulling herself up CONSTANTLY, whether she is using her crib, the wall, or various parental limbs.  She is also actually crawling, and has enjoyed getting into anything she is allowed to.  

Duke is her favorite thing in the world, and she likes to babble an early version of his name to him.  He is indifferent to her charms unless she has Puffs stuck to her leg.

Mamma Mia!

Do you ever have one of those "d'oh" moments where you think your subconscious is manipulating you? I had one last week, and I'm wishing my mind would pull one over on my more often!

About three weeks ago, my skin started breaking out like crazy. Ever since I went off hormonal birth control a few years ago, my skin responds to the tiniest change in anything. As 30 gets closer and closer (next year...eek!), I keep waiting for that moment of time after acne and before wrinkles. I think I missed it somewhere.

Since I have a unhealthy addiction to beauty products, I'm amazed that I managed to wait to buy a Clarisonic for so long. When my skin exploded, with acne earlier in the month, I finally gave in to the hype. (The VIB coupon didn't hurt.) I got the Mia because I don't really want to deal/pay with/for the big kahuna...and it came in purple! Then last week, my body let me know where all that acne stemmed from with a dramatic return to fertility. Oh.the.joy. My skin immediately began to clear up, but I decided to use my new toy anyway.

via Sephora

Oh my gosh! My skin looks and feels amazing! After a week! I had no idea how much dead skin (gross) was on my face. My husband keeps trying to get his hands on my cheeks, which is sweet and creepy at the same time. My moisturizer actually gets into my skin instead of sitting on top of it, the flakes that I couldn't get rid of on my nose are gone, and I've had no new breakouts.

I feel like a fool for spending so much money on expensive products that I didn't really use. This thing is fantastic, and I'm pretty sure I'll be using it for a good, long while!

My appointment with the GE went well... sort of. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for the beginning of May, and I need to get a CT of my abdomen as well. He wanted to put me on steroids immediately, but I didn't think that was the best plan since R does not seem to be a big fan of formula. I was leaning towards letting her wean naturally, and now that I was told to get her off the boob asap I seem to be subconsciously digging in my heels about the whole thing. I don't want to breastfeed her until she goes to college, but I was thinking we would wean between 12 and 15 months. She is still so tiny (only 15 ish lbs), and she is taking to this whole "solid" food thing quite slowly. Honestly, all she wants to eat are pears, berries, and puffs, and we think she thinks the puffs are a game. Half of them end up down the gullet of a certain opportunistic Westie.

I feel like this is another part of my life that has been marred by my broken body, and I'm trying to learn what I can from this experience. Knowing that nursing her is coming to an end makes the moments we have left so poignant. My independent little lady only really wants to snuggle with her Daddy, and I am REALLY going to miss our special time. I feel like the lesson that I need to take to heart is that I need to focus on my health, so that special times don't fly by in such a haze. I will always be sick, I will always struggle, and for my own sanity I need to be able to live my life in the moment. Lately it seems like the only times I stop and take a breath are during moments of pain (especially dental work!).

So I am going to snuggle with R instead of playing on my phone while she nurses, I'm going to meal plan for her like a crazy person to find more foods that she loves (or even likes), and I am going to do what I need to in order to get as healthy as possible. My body has belonged to her and her brother since May of 2010, and now I just need to focus on the process of her owning only my arms and heart.

Flare

Tomorrow I am meeting with a gasteroenterologist for the first time in a few years, and I am overwhelmingly nervous. I've been in the middle of a pretty bad flare for about two and a half months, and it is really kicking my ass. I'm exhausted all of the time, and I'm really worried about how this is effecting R. I don't think that I would do anything different daily, except for take her for walks. I don't know if I'm justifying my lack of stroller time, but I don't think it is the worst thing in the world. In the stroller she wouldn't really be able to move, she no longer naps when we are toodling around, and I love that she plays in so many different ways.

So it looks like tomorrow I get to talk about diets, invasive tests, and potential surgeries. I don't really have a lot of hope, but B still does. I really wish he could come with me tomorrow, but I doubt that he will. That is the "fun" of big cities. There may be much more to take advantage of, but it takes a while to get to all of the different places!

On the moving front, we have packed up a ridiculous amount of stuff to go to Goodwill. We have dropped off three carloads so far, and we still have quite a bit to go. I get so excited when each box leaves our possession. Being sentimental has created way to many random piles, bins, and drawers in our house, and I'm so glad that they won't follow us to our new home. Now if I could convince my husband to actually put R's clothes in her hamper...

After staring at our future floor plan over and over, I have come to the realization that our command central will have to be in binder form. So the plan now is to try to complete it by the move, but I'm constantly having issues trying to basically put my brain in a binder. If I don't do it right, I wont use it...which defeats the purpose of the work.

So I'm trolling the interwebs looking for inspiration.

I know I want my system to be pretty since it will live on my kitchen countertop....

via

I need to be able to handwrite things in it, because I will need to update it constantly and will probably use it for brainstorming...

via

And I need it to be useful. I want B to be able to open it and run our home without an issue if I'm in the hospital. I also would love a schedule of recurring To Dos to keep me on my toes.

via

I guess I have a lot of work in front of me. I have a feeling that I won't be completely finished by the time we move, but I really, really want to have a great system in place the day we move in. Wish me luck!

As the cherry blossoms explode into bloom here, I am getting more and more excited about our upcoming move. I'm trying not to be nervous about the whole thing but, it is hard after this weekend. I had a complex migraine last weekend, and I ended up in the hospital...again. My GP thought I had a stroke, but thankfully it was much less permanent. I am so fucking sad that I had to miss my future sister-in-law's bridal shower, and I am trying to think of a way to make it up to her. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head, but so far they have been impractical. Pinterest is offering me no inspiration for once, but that may be because I'm hard-wired at the moment to focus on making our new place a home. My exhausted brain can only do one thing at a time.

I do wish Georgetown Cupcakes delivered though.

I think the reason I am so obsessed is that we are downsizing....a lot. We are moving to a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment, and we are planning to stay there for a few years until we can save up a boatload of cash to buy a house here.



Pretty, don't you think? The place is beautiful, there are granite countertops (thank goodness), and the bedrooms are gigantic. The kitchen is fantastic, and there is SO much more storage space than in our condo in Omaha. Unfortunately we've spread out like crazy in this townhouse, and we really need to downsize. That is why the word of the season at the Diver house is purge!!! We are going through everything and sending most of our stuff to Goodwill. It is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate when you don't do a biannual reorganization of your home. B and I have the potential to become hoarders apparently, and I will not allow our home to be a place R is embarrassed to bring friends to.

So I may overwhelm this blog with our progress of making our new apartment into a home. I hope it will keep me honest, but I will probably just continue to sporadically post random nonsense. That is more my style.

Over the last seven months I have been unsuccessfully trying to organize our lives as we transitioned from a couple (+ a Westie) to a family of three (+ a Westie). As simple as that should actually be, I'm struggling on the best method for us to use. I've set up Google calendars, utilized a small dry erase board, updated my Franklin Covey, and nothing seems to be working.

So I've narrowed it down to two options. I want either a large wall system that can actually hold all of our intellectual and actual clutter...

via Pottery Barn

...or a home binder with different sections for different areas of our lives.

via Iheartorganizing.blogspot.com

I have a sinking feeling that I need to do both, so I'm just going to start with a binder and make my little dry erase board work for now. I also probably need to wait until we are actually in our new apartment to decide on anything that requires wall space. I guess binder brainstorming it is for now!

Our trips to Philly and New Orleans were smashing successes, and we are currently gearing up for a few more big ticket adventures over the next few months. In March we head to Nashville for a baby shower for some wonderful friends, and then to NYC to celebrate my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. In April we head back to Nashville for a family wedding, and then we move into our beautiful new apartment.

Since our condo finally sold, I was able to take a (guilt free) trip to the mall to pick up a cute outfit, complete with two pairs of heels...sorry hon! It is official, my feet have spread so much that I now wear a 8 1/2. I have all of these adorable shoes that are way too small for me, but by April they will be out of the house and on their way to new homes.

Last year I was so excited to move into the townhouse, but the third trimester, a newborn, and te knowledge that our lease was only for a year put a damper on my decorating mojo. It wasn't worth the financial investment to really make this house shine, especially since we were waiting for our condo in Omaha to sell. This time we plan to create a comfortable and cozy retreat that will hold us over for at least five years. With B going to grad school, and the extremely high cost of living here, we are planning to save, save, save while our family grows. (No, that was not a pregnancy announcement.) By the time we leave for Nashville, I hope to have a plan of attack for the whole process. I'm going to use this blog to document the process, because apparently pinterest isn't enough. I'm going to try to attempt mood boards, play with fabric swatches, and moon over paint swatches. If anyone has any suggestions on how best to do that, I would love to hear them!

In between all of that brainstorming, I'm just going to stare at this gorgeous face. It really is the most beautiful thing in the world.

You're so vain...

I am so overwhelmingly excited about our upcoming weekend that I can barely contain myself. We are taking road trip to Philadelphia to visit my brother, his fiance, and some of my best friends. Duke is going to Puppy Summer Camp (the vet), and R and her wagon-loads of stuff are coming along for the ride. This will be the first trip that she will be in cloth diapers the entire time, as well as eating solid food. We use cloth on all of our day trips, and I don't see why we can't manage it for two and a half days. I'm not positive how we will handle feeding her in the bumbo only, but I'm sure we will be able to figure it out.

I am so amused with myself at the moment. Usually when I visit my loves in Philly, I plan every outfit down to the smallest detail. I pack pounds of makeup and hair products, two curling irons, and at times a weave. I schedule a hair appointment, a brow wax, and a mani-pedi for the week before to make sure I am as camera ready as a tub-o-lard can be. However, this trip I am packing my four everyday outfits, which are all different versions of the same silhouette. I blame nursing, but really I just no longer know how to dress fashionably for my new life. I life in J. Crew cardigans, Bravado nursing tanks, and a pair of dark wash Gap jeans. My collection of heels has been replaced by a pair of sneakers thanks to my injury, and other than a scarf here and there my accessories have dwindled to a simplistic set of jewelry. I am honestly quite surprised at how little I care. Of course I wish that I looked better in my lactation uniform, but I don't feel stifled or drab because of what I'm wearing. No one really pays attention anyway, since there something much more adorable to focus on.

I am hoping to get some inspiration from my most fashionable friends, but honestly I am so excited to bask in their presence that I don't care if I look like I live in a van by the river. I know in October I will focus on my costume as much as I always do, but this trip will be all about simply enjoying each other and delighting in their introductions to R. Those will be all the memories I need, and I don't care if I am camera ready or not. It is a little freeing, and also illuminating on just how vain I am.

You know, I kind of think that song is about me.

I finally cut my hair, after not allowing myself the luxury for a year and a half. Finding a new stylist can be exhausting, and I just didn't want to potentially feel frumpier than I already do. I stopped investing in my appearance a few years ago as a way to try to protect the tatters of my self confidence, and I've allowed that to go on for far too long. So I let the lovely Jill from Elements McLean cut four inches of my hair. While I'm sad to see it go, my hair seems to have this lovely swing that has been missing for far too long. B was extra handsy, and made me feel beautiful.

I don't want R to remember this version of me. I want her to remember me smiling, willing to pose for a photograph, put together, and most importantly, happy with myself and my place in the world. Now that we are on the other side of the haze that is newborn-induced exhaustion, I am trying to focus on myself in a way I have blatantly refused to before.

We are eating better, and I'm hoping to convert all of our regular recipes to clean and organic ones by the time R turns 1. I'm making all of her food from scratch, but roasting a few sweet potatoes and pureeing a few steamed pears isn't exactly rocket science. I spectacularly failed at my first attempt to make organic whole wheat bread, but B ate it anyway. A few months ago, that failure would have depressed me for days. I'm so proud of myself that I simply found a new recipe and moved on to the next task. I feel like I've been stagnant for so long, and that lack of forward momentum has negatively impacted my life.

Today we spent the day at the University of Maryland, where I helped a chapter of my sorority with their recruitment. R wore a version of the round "uniform", and we had the best time. B spent the afternoon playing video games with random frat guys, but he didn't mind (supposedly). On Tuesday I will be clarifying my role as a volunteer with a local theatre, and honestly I couldn't be more excited!

By the end of the week I hope to have everything where it should be in R's room, and to post those elusive nursery pictures. Tomorrow we are going to follow our lazy morning up with a (potential) tour of new apartments and a million baby cuddles. If the rain goes away enough, we may take a family walk with the puppers. It should be a wonderful day.

I'm so happy with my life right now. I have so many opportunities to create a way of living that fulfills me. How amazing!

We are so excited about the rest of this winter and spring, and I really think it is permeating everything we do. We spent last Saturday at the Museum of Natural History, and a lazy Sunday finishing up some projects around the house. We are finally starting to catch up and get back onto a normal(ish) schedule.

The last six months of our lives have been the most exhausting and rewarding times of our lives. R spent today eating apples, barley, and sweet potatoes, laughing, giving kisses, petting Duke, and cuddling with B. Seeing her smile at me while hugging her father's arm, resting her cheek on his bicep, was one of the best moments of my life.

We have so many upcoming trips, and we are moving to a new place this spring. There is so much ahead of us, and my goal for the year is to document our adventures consistently. Whether through blogging or scrapbooking, I want to make sure that once life slows down B and I have the opportunity to reflect and celebrate this time.

Hopefully, by the end of the month I will have completed R's nursery (and shared it!), gotten our daily lives back on track, and planned our February down to the last message heart. I am also challenging myself to take more pictures with our good camera, as my IPhone is no good at focusing on the adorableness that is my child with our dog!

A rose by any other name...

Raquel received her Hebrew name last Friday, and we could not be more pleased with how it went. Even though it was past her bedtime, she was excitedly basking in the attention. After the service, we came home for a party dedicated to the occasion. Of course, the guest of honor was asleep as soon as we got home, but we had a wonderful time celebrating her. I had a lot of fun decorating and baking for our little shindig. One of the best parts of being a parent is getting to make days like this special!

Our table-scape! For some reason I'm obsessed with polka dots at the moment.

The proud Grandmommy!

This is a better view of the decorations.

My brother and his fiance put up what I made/ ordered in a frenzy off the internet.

Paper lanterns can be used all the time...right?

I'm so happy with this cake. It isn't bad looking for homemade.

It was white cake with raspberry filling and salted buttercream icing...so delicious!

I'm now obsessed with food coloring, so I hope B doesn't mind brightly colored cupcakes from now on.

B made fresh homemade popcorn for everyone.

I will never be able to top that gift; he uses that popcorn popper nightly!

The following is a link to the service. The naming starts at 11 minutes in.

http://www.templerodefshalom.org/live/archive2.htm

Things to be thankful for

Yesterday, while she was napping, I was overcome by the sight of my daughter's feet. She has the most adorable feet I have ever seen. I immediately started to play with them, as anyone with a pulse would have done. I ran my finger along the bottom, trying to memorize the texture of her perfect skin. She opened her eyes for a second, saw me, smiled a sleepy little smile, and went back to sleep. That was the first moment that I realized that she is mine.

Right now she is working on giving her arm a hickey thanks to that whole teething process thing. Our little lady is very, very needy right now, and being constantly held is at the top of the needs list. In the haze of exhaustion it can be really hard to appreciate this unique time. For the only time, ever, I am completely loved by another person. I am exactly what she needs, just being myself. So I'm going to go back to pacifier patrol...because teething isn't easy, and someone needs me to get through it.

Sunny days...

This is my life now, and I am enjoying learning how to live it. I hung up these diapers at 8 am, while my coffee was brewing. I had been up for over an hour, first feeding R and then settling her down for some more sleep. She likes to be awake all evening while Brian is home and awake. I've been baking all kinds of apple and pumpkin flavored things, and I'm almost back to cooking a meal from scratch every night.

This stay at home mom thing is much harder than I thought it would be. I am way too lazy and disorganized right now, and so I'm trying to find ways to make sure that our house runs smoothly. Once I feel like I've gotten a handle on that, I'm going to try to actually keep it neat. Yep, I am going to try to live in a clean house!

Right now we are super behind on that, but that is because I still can't really move around much. Also, I'm kind of hating the multiple floors, which is quite strange to me. I'm looking forward to apartment hunting this spring, because for the first time...wow...EVER, I'll be able to actually take my time and pick out a home that I like. Brian picked out our house in PA by himself, we had three freaking days to pick out a house in Omaha, and we had a day, yes, one day to pick out a place here. We are planning on staying in our next place until R starts kindergarten, so we are going to take our time and really try to make the best choice possible.

The best choice with one floor. Who knew that it would be so much harder to keep stuff neat when you had to go up and down stairs? (Falling down a flight has not really helped my opinion of them.)

Can someone come over and yell at me to decorate for Halloween? It is this week, and all of my decorations are in piles instead of out! Maybe tonight I'll get it done. Tacos don't really take that much time, and maybe I can convince Brian to help, if R will let him.

Someone Like You

I adore Adele. Her songs are just so emotional, the lyrics well written. Her voice just seems to cut into your heart.

"Picnic" in the Park

Yesterday we took the Metro to Capitol Hill for a picnic. Due to my inability to plan properly, we didn't really have picnic food in the house, other than PB&J. Since we were trying to make a date/family adventure out of this, we decided to find a local eatery and grab lunch there. The plan was to eat and people watch at the National Mall, and let R roll around on the (blanket covered) grass.

Of course, the place that we chose is closed on Sundays, so we ended up eating at the Capitol Lounge. R ate there too, which marked the second time we've taken our baby to a bar and that I breastfed her near drunk people. I'm a real winner when it comes to that sort of thing. The food was great, and we were lucky enough to sit outside. The bar (we thought it was a restaurant!) is across the street from the Library of Congress, which is just beautiful. I should have taken some pictures, but I'm not so good at using the giant camera that we lug around the city.

After lunch/dinner, we walked along the Mall. R had a snack in the garden outside of the Botanical Garden, after screaming like a banshee to get her diaper changed. I almost body slammed some jackass who said something rude about the way B was holding R. She was practicing standing while looking around (while I was cleaning up the evidence) and smiling at the trees moving in the wind. She was breathtaking, and this guy walked by and said something snarky about first time dads. Other than losing three cloth diapers (seriously, B, how did you do that?), B has been the best Daddy a little girl could ask for! Since most of you know how I feel about my dad, y'all know that is high praise indeed! R loves him so much, and you can just tell how safe and loved she feels in his arms.

After calming down while nursing R, I realized how anti-social I've become. B and I definitely need to get out more, or else R won't realize that there are other people in the world! So this upcoming weekend, we will take our little family for a real picnic along Skyline Drive. Duke will be invited this time, and I promise that I will actually take more than one picture!

Bryce's Birthday

One year ago today we went into the doctor's office to check on a little bit of bleeding, and for an early anatomy scan. That night our stillborn son was delivered.

Now we have a beautiful little girl who is starting to smile hourly and is having conversations with us in baby talk. She is everything to us.

It isn't enough. There is still a hole in my heart, and I'm learning that there always will be. There is nothing that will ever replace our son. Raquel is a unique miracle.

Bryce, there is a quote from a book my mother used to read to me that runs through my mind at least once a day. I never really understood it until you were gone. The book was written as a memorial to the author's stillborn daughters.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Robert Munsch

It is a cloudy fall day in Omaha today. I wish we could visit you. I hope your bunny and copy of Peter Pan are still there, and that you are happy in Neverneverland. Our little bolt of lightening, you are missed more that words can convey.

One month (plus three weeks)