Things to be thankful for

Yesterday, while she was napping, I was overcome by the sight of my daughter's feet. She has the most adorable feet I have ever seen. I immediately started to play with them, as anyone with a pulse would have done. I ran my finger along the bottom, trying to memorize the texture of her perfect skin. She opened her eyes for a second, saw me, smiled a sleepy little smile, and went back to sleep. That was the first moment that I realized that she is mine.

Right now she is working on giving her arm a hickey thanks to that whole teething process thing. Our little lady is very, very needy right now, and being constantly held is at the top of the needs list. In the haze of exhaustion it can be really hard to appreciate this unique time. For the only time, ever, I am completely loved by another person. I am exactly what she needs, just being myself. So I'm going to go back to pacifier patrol...because teething isn't easy, and someone needs me to get through it.

Sunny days...

This is my life now, and I am enjoying learning how to live it. I hung up these diapers at 8 am, while my coffee was brewing. I had been up for over an hour, first feeding R and then settling her down for some more sleep. She likes to be awake all evening while Brian is home and awake. I've been baking all kinds of apple and pumpkin flavored things, and I'm almost back to cooking a meal from scratch every night.

This stay at home mom thing is much harder than I thought it would be. I am way too lazy and disorganized right now, and so I'm trying to find ways to make sure that our house runs smoothly. Once I feel like I've gotten a handle on that, I'm going to try to actually keep it neat. Yep, I am going to try to live in a clean house!

Right now we are super behind on that, but that is because I still can't really move around much. Also, I'm kind of hating the multiple floors, which is quite strange to me. I'm looking forward to apartment hunting this spring, because for the first time...wow...EVER, I'll be able to actually take my time and pick out a home that I like. Brian picked out our house in PA by himself, we had three freaking days to pick out a house in Omaha, and we had a day, yes, one day to pick out a place here. We are planning on staying in our next place until R starts kindergarten, so we are going to take our time and really try to make the best choice possible.

The best choice with one floor. Who knew that it would be so much harder to keep stuff neat when you had to go up and down stairs? (Falling down a flight has not really helped my opinion of them.)

Can someone come over and yell at me to decorate for Halloween? It is this week, and all of my decorations are in piles instead of out! Maybe tonight I'll get it done. Tacos don't really take that much time, and maybe I can convince Brian to help, if R will let him.

Someone Like You

I adore Adele. Her songs are just so emotional, the lyrics well written. Her voice just seems to cut into your heart.

"Picnic" in the Park

Yesterday we took the Metro to Capitol Hill for a picnic. Due to my inability to plan properly, we didn't really have picnic food in the house, other than PB&J. Since we were trying to make a date/family adventure out of this, we decided to find a local eatery and grab lunch there. The plan was to eat and people watch at the National Mall, and let R roll around on the (blanket covered) grass.

Of course, the place that we chose is closed on Sundays, so we ended up eating at the Capitol Lounge. R ate there too, which marked the second time we've taken our baby to a bar and that I breastfed her near drunk people. I'm a real winner when it comes to that sort of thing. The food was great, and we were lucky enough to sit outside. The bar (we thought it was a restaurant!) is across the street from the Library of Congress, which is just beautiful. I should have taken some pictures, but I'm not so good at using the giant camera that we lug around the city.

After lunch/dinner, we walked along the Mall. R had a snack in the garden outside of the Botanical Garden, after screaming like a banshee to get her diaper changed. I almost body slammed some jackass who said something rude about the way B was holding R. She was practicing standing while looking around (while I was cleaning up the evidence) and smiling at the trees moving in the wind. She was breathtaking, and this guy walked by and said something snarky about first time dads. Other than losing three cloth diapers (seriously, B, how did you do that?), B has been the best Daddy a little girl could ask for! Since most of you know how I feel about my dad, y'all know that is high praise indeed! R loves him so much, and you can just tell how safe and loved she feels in his arms.

After calming down while nursing R, I realized how anti-social I've become. B and I definitely need to get out more, or else R won't realize that there are other people in the world! So this upcoming weekend, we will take our little family for a real picnic along Skyline Drive. Duke will be invited this time, and I promise that I will actually take more than one picture!

Bryce's Birthday

One year ago today we went into the doctor's office to check on a little bit of bleeding, and for an early anatomy scan. That night our stillborn son was delivered.

Now we have a beautiful little girl who is starting to smile hourly and is having conversations with us in baby talk. She is everything to us.

It isn't enough. There is still a hole in my heart, and I'm learning that there always will be. There is nothing that will ever replace our son. Raquel is a unique miracle.

Bryce, there is a quote from a book my mother used to read to me that runs through my mind at least once a day. I never really understood it until you were gone. The book was written as a memorial to the author's stillborn daughters.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Robert Munsch

It is a cloudy fall day in Omaha today. I wish we could visit you. I hope your bunny and copy of Peter Pan are still there, and that you are happy in Neverneverland. Our little bolt of lightening, you are missed more that words can convey.

One month (plus three weeks)

Bittersweet

"There is a harmony in autumn, and a luster in its sky, which through the summer is not heard or seen, as if it could not be, as if it had not been!" Percy Bysshe Shelley

Today on Pinterest, I found this great bucket list for fall activities.

B and I are always trying to figure out fun date ideas that are more than going to a movie after dinner at a chain restaurant. It is also really important to me to create family traditions that we do together, year after year. With many of our childhood traditions centered around religious holidays, we need to put in a little extra effort to create family memories that everyone can participate in. This list, with a few football and Westie related activities added, is a great inspiration for a wonderful season filled with laughter, love, and orange.

This weekend I'm hoping that we can go on a picnic on Capitol Hill, but we are going to have to go on Sunday. Saturday is Bryce's birthday, and I don't think I'm going to make it out of the house. I'm planning on lighting a Yahrzeit candle in his memory, and I'm going to spend the day taking care of his sister as best I can. I may go for a drive and let B take care of the baby. I think I need to just cry. I haven't let myself really grieve since I knew I was pregnant, which was December of last year. I'm hoping that by taking the time to mourn his death that I will be able to spend this fall in a better mental place.

I was so excited to be pregnant last year.

I love the fall. I hope I can learn to love it in a similar way again.