Thursday, October 28, 2010

Lunch with a Friend

This afternoon I am heading out to the Old Market for lunch with a very good friend of mine. She was instrumental in helping me get through all of the scary parts of my pregnancy, and she has been very supportive since Bryce's death. I've found it difficult to get out of the house without Brian, so I think that this lunch is exactly what I need.

I am also looking forward to getting her perspective on what to do regarding TTCing again. Our doctor told us that physically we are able to try after one cycle, which ended last weekend, but that he recommended that we wait three months to emotionally heal. My issue with following this advice concerning my emotional health is that I am a very timid person naturally. I have to force myself to do things which scare me, and I can't tell you how many things scare me. I know that it seems ridiculous, especially with my history on stage, but I am terrified of anything that brings on physical and emotional pain. The way that I get through those fears is to simply jump, as I have learned that the anticipation is half of the misery.

If we wait the three months, then we will start to TTC too close to Bryce's estimated due date for my emotional comfort. I will want to put it off longer as to avoid that milestone, and I'm afraid that I will not want to try again. On the other hand, I am terrified that I am fooling myself into believing that I can emotionally handle another pregnancy loss this soon. Yet, I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle another one. I'm not really "handling" this one. I am just living. I no longer have the same trust in fate/the universe that everything will be fine. I know that it is possible that I will be miserable for the rest of my life, that I will always be in physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. I'm not ready to give up on the possibility of my dreams coming true, and I want to make the right choice in doing what I can to make them a reality.

Hopefully my friend will have some insight. My husband and I are too close to the subject, and having an outside empathetic outlook can only help.

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