To Learn

I've learned over the last few years that it isn't really possible for all of your dreams to come true, and that it ok. Other than that, I don't think there is any one thing that I know enough about to say that I have "learned" it.

Disney World is the bomb, bitches!

A few years ago we spent a week in Disney World, and it was by far the best vacation that we have ever been on. We opted to purchase the meal plan, and both gained about 10 lbs. B lost it in a month, I still haven't. We went to both water parks, and to every park. Because we went the week after Labor Day, the parks were practically empty, and we were able to ride most of the rides multiple times. We rode Space Mountain about five times before I made B leave Tomorrowland.

As juvenile as it may sound, DW is an amazing place to visit. The designers of the parks have done an absolutely amazing job at making it as much an adult's fantasy as a child's. We can't wait to go back; in fact I have been trying to convince B that a 13 month old will REALLY enjoy the most magical place on Earth. He'll probably win, and we'll go back when she is five. I can't wait!

New Orleans, LA

I grew up in the suburbs of New Orleans, first in Harvey and then in Metairie. Even though we live very far away, I still consider it home. Between the food, the seasons (shrimp, crab, crawfish, and king cake), the weather, the food, the culture, the food, the history, and (did I mention) the food, there is just so much to do, see, and eat! I can't wait to take Raquel through the streets of the French Quarter, to feed her gumbo and beignets, and to run her feet over the grass in Audubon Park. I want to share snowballs and levees and glittering parades with her and B.

New Orleans is so much more than a place to drink and eat your self silly. It is a place where you can enjoy life effortlessly, which I cannot wait to do with my growing family!

Self Portrait

When you don't like having your picture taken, it can be difficult to find a picture of yourself that you think is a good representative of what you think you look like. I think I look silly, slightly bitchy, and incredibly bratty. I also really like my eye makeup, minus that weird eyebrow hair.

What is a name?

I don't answer to any nicknames, even though I have over the years. I love my name; I think it is classically beautiful, and it has so much religious and familial meaning. That is why we named Raquel after my grandmother, who I love and respect very, very much.

To quote Forrest, "That's all I have to say about that."

Bryce Addison

I miss Bryce every day. Sometimes it is in a small way...a lady bug lands on a windowsill, or a little blonde boy smiles at me in an office waiting room. Other times I am completely overwhelmed with grief. I am learning to live with it, and it gets easier to handle every day. The pain doesn't go away; it is still as fresh and cutting as ever. I am just learning how to live with it. To actually live, which is exactly what I need to do to honor my son.

Regrets

I spent most of my early and mid twenties regretting choices that I had made, and honestly I just made myself miserable. When I turned 26, I decided that I was done with regrets. Now I try, granted with extreme difficulty, to be as happy as I can. When I have a bad day, I spend as much time with Duke as I need to to turn my mood around. I'm working on forgiving myself more easily, and I try to see B's side of things whenever we disagree. I take a more active role in the major decisions of our household, and more pride in it as well.

I'm not in the headspace I want to be in yet, but I am happy with the progress that I am making. My marriage is better, my dog is happy and content, and both B and I ready for what comes our way.

Something I can't wait for

August 3, 2011

That is the day that Raquel is expected to make her arrival, and I am overwhelmed with excitement and fear. I can't wait to see B's face when he sees her for the first time, or when she smiles just for him. I can't wait to hand her to my parents and watch my father cry in happiness while my mother makes funny faces at her. I can't wait for my brother to see his niece, and hopefully understand why we have been so obsessed with this whole baby thing. I can't wait for my in-laws to see B in our daughter.

I wanted all of this with Bryce, and it breaks my heart that all I got were a few precious moments with his body. If G-d would grant me one thing, it would be that there is a place where I can see him again. I guess that is why we don't know what happens after death, so that we can wait to see it, and have other experiences while we wait.

Our dream home

In a perfect world, Brian and I would own two houses. One would be in Uptown New Orleans, close to the cultural heart of the city. I would love to spend winters and springs there, escaping the cold. We would begin our stay celebrating Hanukah, and leave around Memorial Day, making sure to down our fill of snowballs before running up north away from the heat.


We would spend our summers and falls in Eastern TN, B's childhood home. The weather is beautiful, as is the land. We would live in a sprawling plantation style house, where we would take full advantage of the wrap around porches to live outside as much as possible. Situated on a lake lot, this house would be filled with memories, and our family would constantly visit.


I hope that one day at least one of these dreams becomes a reality!

Bible Verse - What am I, Christian?

I don't have a favorite Bible verse, or even a favorite story. I personally don't have the sort of faith that I need to reference the written word for spiritual belief.

I should have probably changed this post into something else, but I'm lazy!

A photograph I love

So, I couldn't decided on just one photo. The first one is my favorite photo of B and Duke. I am so glad that we got Duke, as he really completed our family. This picture showcases B's real reaction to Duke's first day home.


Over the winter of 2007/2008, B and I went on a hike in the smokey mountains. I took a million pictures, and this one is my favorite. I am not a good photographer by any means of the imagination, but I am really proud of this picture. I love everything about it, and it inspires me to learn how to create photos that showcase the world in the way I see it.

My two year plan

Honestly, all of my goals are related to Raquel and my physical health. This pregnancy and Bryce's have taken a toll on me physically, and I wasn't healthy before I got pregnant. I haven't ever really made the life changes that I needed to in order to be the healthiest version of me possible, and now that I will (hopefully) have a little girl to chase around, I need to be as healthy and energetic as possible for her sake. My known list is:

* I want to breastfeed Raquel for at least a year, to make my own organic baby food, and to use cloth instead of disposable diapers.
* Once the pool opens up I want to swim for at least 30 minutes a day, even if that means I am in the pool for hours in order for me to get that exercise in.
* After her birth, I want to walk outside with her for at least an hour a day until the weather gets too bad. After that I want to use our elliptical machine for the same amount of time. I have no stamina right now, and I really need
* Weight Watchers is going to be my drug of choice after she is born, and I'm sure that it is going to be one heck of a shock. B is not looking forward to his hungry, tired bitch of a wife.

G-d and other theological thoughts

To quickly answer the question, I identify religiously as a Conservative Jew.

The long version is that I believe in G-d, but I believe that G-d is something that we can't fathom. My beliefs allow me to have faith and to believe in scientific theory. I don't think that G-d takes an active role in our daily lives, but I do believe in a bigger picture. I don't think that bad things happen in order to punish the wicked, or that humanity has any idea of what true wickedness is. We simply try, and we live the way that we were designed.

Pregnancy has made me appreciate life, and nature has always made me appreciate the world around me. I always find it easier to pray outside, and I love the Jewish rituals that allow me to be thankful, gracious, and appreciative of the world around me without asking for things for myself. I tend to heartily dislike selfish prayers.

Favorite TV shows

If a show has monsters, magic, or is by Shonda Rhimes I watch it. Right now The Vampire Diaries is my favorite hour of brain numbing activity, followed by True Blood. Being Human is getting up there, but I right now I would watch Grey's first.

While I am slightly embarrassed at how "main stream" my choices seem to be, I would like to point out that I watched all Joss Whedon shows religiously (except for Firefly, which I made up for in late night marathons), and that I could still watch Xena for days without a break. My bookshelves are overflowing with mystical and magical stories, with the Wheel of Time and the Kushiel series having top billing. I may seem like a lemming, but I like to think of all of these fair weather vampire fans as the same sort of people who rooted for the Saints only when they were winning.

Now I want to go read a book. Figures.

The thing I am most afraid of

I am terrified of having another loss. I've barely survived Bryce's death, and that was only because of the amazing support system that I have between my husband and parents. My friends were wonderful, but there is something about crushing grief that sends me into my own private world of pain.

I love Bryce so much, and I will never get over the fact that he didn't live the life that B and I wanted for him. As happy as I am that Raquel is on the way, she is not a replacement for him. She is her own separate person that we are looking forward to meeting. I don't know what I would do if we lost her as well, and that is perhaps the most frightening thing of all.