I have been awful at blogging lately, mostly because I am having trouble dealing with the fact that we are pregnant again. Today, I am 16 weeks 4 days pregnant, and I am stressed out to the max. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy this pregnancy, but I don't think I am capable of that this time. Hopefully this pregnancy will end with a healthy baby in August, and I'll feel more confident in the future.
So in order to try to focus on the positive, I am trying to do things that are not necessarily pregnancy related. I found this list on a fellow Bumpie's blog, and I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Over the next 30 days I'm going to fill this blog up with as much happiness that I can muster!
Day 1-Introduce yourself and give 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-A picture
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Late Night Angst Filled Musing
I have been so lost the last few years. I have been in a career killing spiral that I no longer see a way out of. That is ridiculously sad considering I am 27, hold a degree from a major university, have studied at four separate institutes of higher learning at various levels of scholarship, and have an IQ that is too high for my own good.
So why am I unemployed, have been for a year in two days, and all that I can offer to my family is that I can breed and work at a tax service for $10/ hour if the woman I'm supposed to assist can get organized enough to get me started?
It is simple. I am a failure at life in general. I have no idea how to succeed at anything. I am an overly emotional mess that can't seem to tap into my extensive intellectual capabilities except through some sort of strong emotional connection. It is pathetic, and very, very frustrating for my overly analytical husband.
I used to blame my husband for "ruining" my career, but I know that I did that all by myself. I didn't do the research into CPA requirements in PA until after we set our wedding date. To be perfectly honest, that wasn't my first mistake. My first mistake was turning away from the path that I had been on since I was in third grade. That path that I was placed on when my random, ill-fitting, and grating personality traits forced my parents and teachers to the conclusion that I belonged in the world of the theatre.
Where else could my inability to not be the only focus in the room be an asset? I was never able to be ignored. It didn't matter if I was reading in a corner with my back to the room. Something about my ability to completely absorb myself in a task is exceptional visually compelling, not to mention frightening. It is almost as if I lack the ability to come up for air from whatever I am experiencing, and yet I don't drown.
Some of my friends sweetly lie to me that my magnetism is a positive; that I am charming or funny or approachable. I don't know how they miss the vulgar, intimidating, shameless way I breathe. Every once in a while, one of those friends will see me through the lens of a stranger, and they run away from the truth of my personality. I am an aberration; I have no filters. I have never truly communicated with another human being. It isn't possible for me. Most people learn words, body language, even thought processes from other members of society in order to exchange information. It is imprinted during childhood. I accidentally ignored those lessons by existing only in my own reality, and I've never been able to catch up. Instead I try to make myself understood, and without fail unknowingly manage to become the worst version of myself possible in their eyes.
I don't want to be like this. I have fought my nature ever since I realized that I was different. I try to study other people in order to learn how to highlight my possible contributions to society; I usually just end up mimicking whomever I am trying to learn from. I've come to the conclusion that it is too late for me to understand another way of looking at the world. I am not a computer that can have a different operating system installed. As much as I would like to say that I am in some way freed from perpetually beating my head against that psychological wall and that I am comfortable in my own skin, all I can truthfully say is that I hope I've learned to stop consciously trying to conform.
It is just so hard. Why? The word lonely encompasses a minute sliver of the distance I feel from other human beings.
I wish I was...something more human.
So why am I unemployed, have been for a year in two days, and all that I can offer to my family is that I can breed and work at a tax service for $10/ hour if the woman I'm supposed to assist can get organized enough to get me started?
It is simple. I am a failure at life in general. I have no idea how to succeed at anything. I am an overly emotional mess that can't seem to tap into my extensive intellectual capabilities except through some sort of strong emotional connection. It is pathetic, and very, very frustrating for my overly analytical husband.
I used to blame my husband for "ruining" my career, but I know that I did that all by myself. I didn't do the research into CPA requirements in PA until after we set our wedding date. To be perfectly honest, that wasn't my first mistake. My first mistake was turning away from the path that I had been on since I was in third grade. That path that I was placed on when my random, ill-fitting, and grating personality traits forced my parents and teachers to the conclusion that I belonged in the world of the theatre.
Where else could my inability to not be the only focus in the room be an asset? I was never able to be ignored. It didn't matter if I was reading in a corner with my back to the room. Something about my ability to completely absorb myself in a task is exceptional visually compelling, not to mention frightening. It is almost as if I lack the ability to come up for air from whatever I am experiencing, and yet I don't drown.
Some of my friends sweetly lie to me that my magnetism is a positive; that I am charming or funny or approachable. I don't know how they miss the vulgar, intimidating, shameless way I breathe. Every once in a while, one of those friends will see me through the lens of a stranger, and they run away from the truth of my personality. I am an aberration; I have no filters. I have never truly communicated with another human being. It isn't possible for me. Most people learn words, body language, even thought processes from other members of society in order to exchange information. It is imprinted during childhood. I accidentally ignored those lessons by existing only in my own reality, and I've never been able to catch up. Instead I try to make myself understood, and without fail unknowingly manage to become the worst version of myself possible in their eyes.
I don't want to be like this. I have fought my nature ever since I realized that I was different. I try to study other people in order to learn how to highlight my possible contributions to society; I usually just end up mimicking whomever I am trying to learn from. I've come to the conclusion that it is too late for me to understand another way of looking at the world. I am not a computer that can have a different operating system installed. As much as I would like to say that I am in some way freed from perpetually beating my head against that psychological wall and that I am comfortable in my own skin, all I can truthfully say is that I hope I've learned to stop consciously trying to conform.
It is just so hard. Why? The word lonely encompasses a minute sliver of the distance I feel from other human beings.
I wish I was...something more human.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thought of You
I came across this absolutely gorgeous video, and it has taken my breath away. I hope that at least one of my (hopefully) future children is inspired to dance; one of my biggest regrets was not committing to dance in a more complete way, as now I can't even manage to make a Zumba routine look good. There is something absolutely magical about watching people emote though fluid movement.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Happy Hanukah!
After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family Hanukah has arrived, and I am not prepared. I got my dates mixed up and didn't get my handmade (and crappy) cards out, and I didn't plan a thing to celebrate. I had to run out yesterday afternoon to get candles for the menorah. I honestly fell apart when I realized how out of it I am. After evaluating my emotional reaction to that and many other little triggers, I decided to make an appointment with a councilor. I went this morning.
I feel like I am getting onto the right path in order to heal in a healthy way. I don't know how to get over something like this, and with the rest of my life in shambles I am not adequately prepared to handle something so devastating. I'm not enthusiastic about the plan for me to take an antidepressant for a few months. I feel like it is a necessary evil, but an evil none the less. I wish that I wasn't so weak; I don't have a chemical imbalance in which I need to correct. I simply want to give up because I am feeling sorry for myself.
For today, I have two goals. The first is to decorate my living room for the holidays tonight. The second is to try to convince myself that I am doing the best thing for Bryce by getting help. At the end of the day, when it comes to mental health, the end justifies the means. Even though Bryce isn't in my arms, I still need to be the best mother I can for him. Lately I have been failing at that, just as I've failed at everything else I've tried for the past few years. The difference here is that I can always do better tomorrow; my failures as his mother don't stack up.
On a funny note, Duke got a Snuggie for Hanukah, and he actually loves it. It is ridiculous and amazing at the same time.
I feel like I am getting onto the right path in order to heal in a healthy way. I don't know how to get over something like this, and with the rest of my life in shambles I am not adequately prepared to handle something so devastating. I'm not enthusiastic about the plan for me to take an antidepressant for a few months. I feel like it is a necessary evil, but an evil none the less. I wish that I wasn't so weak; I don't have a chemical imbalance in which I need to correct. I simply want to give up because I am feeling sorry for myself.
For today, I have two goals. The first is to decorate my living room for the holidays tonight. The second is to try to convince myself that I am doing the best thing for Bryce by getting help. At the end of the day, when it comes to mental health, the end justifies the means. Even though Bryce isn't in my arms, I still need to be the best mother I can for him. Lately I have been failing at that, just as I've failed at everything else I've tried for the past few years. The difference here is that I can always do better tomorrow; my failures as his mother don't stack up.
On a funny note, Duke got a Snuggie for Hanukah, and he actually loves it. It is ridiculous and amazing at the same time.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Let's try this again...
I'm onto a new cycle as of Friday, and I am feeling numb about things at the moment. This week I fell for two evaporation lines on HPTs, and I ended a friendship with someone that I considered myself close to for many years. Emotionally, it was not the best week I've ever had.
With the holidays starting next week, I am looking forward to being very, very busy. I have a lot of cooking, cleaning, card making, decorating, and coffee drinking to do, and that is just tomorrow... Seriously though, I am grateful that I will be too busy to obsess over my chart this month. Hopefully that will help me to gain some perspective on this whole TTCAL thing, and have a better attitude going forward.
I'm going to work as hard as possible this week to focus on all of the positive parts of my life. That will be so much easier than normal, since my family is coming to stay for the week of Thanksgiving. I honestly wish that they were already here, but Tuesday will be here before I know it.
With the holidays starting next week, I am looking forward to being very, very busy. I have a lot of cooking, cleaning, card making, decorating, and coffee drinking to do, and that is just tomorrow... Seriously though, I am grateful that I will be too busy to obsess over my chart this month. Hopefully that will help me to gain some perspective on this whole TTCAL thing, and have a better attitude going forward.
I'm going to work as hard as possible this week to focus on all of the positive parts of my life. That will be so much easier than normal, since my family is coming to stay for the week of Thanksgiving. I honestly wish that they were already here, but Tuesday will be here before I know it.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Climbing out
I have come to a realization over the last few days, and unfortunately it culminated in a huge fight with my husband.
I am not going to get over Bryce's death anytime soon, and I need to stop acting like I will.
While this may seem like an obvious fact to everyone else, I was taken aback by this thought. I very rarely dwell in the different stages of grief; I move to acceptance very quickly. Honestly, I thought that this would be just like the many other disappointments in my life, and that I would move forward within an appropriate time frame. What an idiotic thought process that is.
I hurt in a physical way when I think about Bryce. I miss him so much. For the time being, I have nothing positive to contribute to society. I can barely stand my own company, let alone someone else's. The thought of meeting new people and creating new relationships is almost abhorrent to me. All of this makes looking for a job in an industry I despise all the more overwhelming.
I have an accounting degree, but I can't not stand menial accounting work. Things would be different if I hadn't followed my husband to the middle of nowhere, but I did and I don't want to "take that back". I have known what I wanted to do from a very young age, and the path to that goal has become clear after much trial and error. I was going to go back to grad school after we were done having children, and between then and now I was going to be a SAHM. Now, that feels like it will never happen. My life plan is in shambles. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really want to. I want to got back in time to the place where I was a mother to a little boy who would be here in a few months.
I am not going to get over Bryce's death anytime soon, and I need to stop acting like I will.
While this may seem like an obvious fact to everyone else, I was taken aback by this thought. I very rarely dwell in the different stages of grief; I move to acceptance very quickly. Honestly, I thought that this would be just like the many other disappointments in my life, and that I would move forward within an appropriate time frame. What an idiotic thought process that is.
I hurt in a physical way when I think about Bryce. I miss him so much. For the time being, I have nothing positive to contribute to society. I can barely stand my own company, let alone someone else's. The thought of meeting new people and creating new relationships is almost abhorrent to me. All of this makes looking for a job in an industry I despise all the more overwhelming.
I have an accounting degree, but I can't not stand menial accounting work. Things would be different if I hadn't followed my husband to the middle of nowhere, but I did and I don't want to "take that back". I have known what I wanted to do from a very young age, and the path to that goal has become clear after much trial and error. I was going to go back to grad school after we were done having children, and between then and now I was going to be a SAHM. Now, that feels like it will never happen. My life plan is in shambles. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't really want to. I want to got back in time to the place where I was a mother to a little boy who would be here in a few months.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Starting to hit the rocks at the bottom
My body tried to ovulate this past week, but didn't make it. I feel like I have been kicked in the face after being punched in the kidneys. I know that sounds overdramatic, but I already feel like my body has completely failed me between the Crohn's and Bryce's death. With this fake ovulation I feel utterly broken.
I don't really know what to do. I can't will myself to ovulate, or to not have Crohn's. If my wishes could come true I would be entering my third trimester right now. Instead I am barely able to get out of my pajamas. It is incredibly depressing to hate things about yourself that you can't change. There is no real purpose to the hate; nothing that you can be motivated to change.
I feel like I am so close to my breaking point that I am in danger of having a mental breakdown. I don't feel any better about losing Bryce than I did the day that he died, and I know I never will. I need my son back, and I can't have him. I have been trying with every fiber of my being to live a life that he would be proud of, but I am losing internal clarity on how to do that.
I am just going to hope that this is part of the grieving process, and that one day I will be the mother that Bryce deserves. Until then, all I can do is try.
I love you Bryce, and your Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.
I don't really know what to do. I can't will myself to ovulate, or to not have Crohn's. If my wishes could come true I would be entering my third trimester right now. Instead I am barely able to get out of my pajamas. It is incredibly depressing to hate things about yourself that you can't change. There is no real purpose to the hate; nothing that you can be motivated to change.
I feel like I am so close to my breaking point that I am in danger of having a mental breakdown. I don't feel any better about losing Bryce than I did the day that he died, and I know I never will. I need my son back, and I can't have him. I have been trying with every fiber of my being to live a life that he would be proud of, but I am losing internal clarity on how to do that.
I am just going to hope that this is part of the grieving process, and that one day I will be the mother that Bryce deserves. Until then, all I can do is try.
I love you Bryce, and your Daddy and I miss you more than words could ever say.
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